No wisdom in books, nor in articles.
No words that could help me, that could write me, that could let me go forward.
Only some letters, like fading memories, to and from my friends....
1.
...thanks for good wishes - unfortunately I don't have so good times here...Kristof broke up with me on a piece of paper few days ago. Inside was hell, pain, suffering.
But it showed me something deeper:
I realized I have serious problems rooted deep in the personality. I use relationships as drug to be able to concentrate on the pain/fear/joy/suffering/anything of the relationship so that I don't have to look beyond, so that I don't see the deeper problem, the deeper fear and pain. But now I have to see it. Now I'm able to see it.
So now I see the reasons, why I choose always not the right men. I choose always one who cannot give me what I need. It is an unconscious choice.
I also see what I did to him in my pain and fear, and I feel guilty that I didn't love him right. I loved him as I could, I know. But now I see I didn't love him the way I wanted to and how it would've been good for him.
Yes, I have to love myself totally before I can love anyone else...But I thought I did.
But if I still have pain and fears and shadows of the past than it means I don't love myself enough...
So this is what's happening to me.
Hope you are feeling good! And everything is alright in your world!
Love
*tünde
2.
I also see what I did to him in my pain and fear, and I feel guilty that I didn't love him right. I loved him as I could, I know. But now I see I didn't love him the way I wanted to and how it would've been good for him.
Yes, I have to love myself totally before I can love anyone else...But I thought I did.
But if I still have pain and fears and shadows of the past than it means I don't love myself enough...
So this is what's happening to me.
Hope you are feeling good! And everything is alright in your world!
Love
*tünde
2.
"Keep your face towards the sun and the shadows will always fall behind you. :) "
But what if I keep my face towards the sun but there are clouds?
I know they will go but there still are clouds. So I am now with the shadow.
I don't resist pain.
But,
it shows something much deeper.
I just found out that I have very big problem deep rooted in personality.
You know I attended the essence. One year after it - so one year ago some breakthrough happened - what hasn't happened on the seminar, happened one year later. And instantly I got NLP therapy when this childhood pain really came up.
Another time in deep guided meditation I was brought to an other life of this soul talking to you. It was supposed to give me understanding about the bigger picture of the journey.
So I know quite much about all problems, I see the complexity. I think I have understanding about what's going on.
And still, after all no self-help book or theory of the world helps because it is in the unconscious, and because no one can do it for me, but me. Through NLP I thought it was healed.
But I just found fears inside of me of what I didn't even knew about. They were so deep that I wasn't aware of them.
And I know myself well, I know what is the pattern, I knew it before too, and I thought it was healed, and I saw someone who was so-so different than anyone else I have ever known that I thought it must be right this time. And also I did it totally different way than before, and in the middle of the relationship the same shit happened like all the time before.
Do you see?
Even if I do everything I can to change the pattern - I can't.
And I am exhausted. I'm tired of this.
Would you think about me that I am afraid of intimacy? I just realized it. I didn't see the fear because it is so deep and so subtle. And funny: why I fear it? Because I need it too much. Why I need it too much? Because I didn't received it when I was a kid.
I fear controll. Why I fear it? Because controll from a men represents the controlling and rejecting parent from the childhood.
And yes, I want to keep my face towards the sun. And yes, I want to go ahead. I want to straighten my back. I want to be free from the past. But I can't.
I just found out that all relationships I had I used as a drug. To be able to concentrate on that fear, pain, joy, anything - just for to escape from looking at something deeper.
But what do I do with looking deeper?
What do I do with understanding?
What do I do with knowing the line from the past to the now?
Yes I can be in the now.
Yes there's nothing bad happening to me right now. I love the place where I live, I love my clothes, I love that I have a computer, I love my earphones, I love the people that are around me, I love the rain that is keep on falling, I love the trees outside, I love all my qualities and talents, I even use them and I love my creations, I love myself whom I know well, I love the food I eat, I love the shadowas and lights on my table
- and I love a man who cannot give me what I need.
So I must be not loving myself enough or I must have the same like above mentioned deep feeling of being unloveable.
And I know I can love other men very easily. But this is part of the problem.
I just cannot put out my unconscious.
Remember, my affirmation contained the sentence: I am loveable. And nowdays I really think and believe and know that I really am loveable. But not my subconscious...
From there, even if every circumstances are sunny, subtle feeling of fear, and being unloveable and not deserving anything keep coming.
This year january, february, march were the happiest months of my life: I felt free, at great ease, knowing, seeing and understanding. I felt great love and I was at peace with myself and the world. I had spiritual experiences like never before. Upon them I created deeper beliefs on love and energy. I felt "travelling" so fast like never before. I did yoga, chi-kung, meditation. I had visions. I had so much love to give.
And than something happened.
A boy. Who couldn't meet my needs - but I had hope and it was broken.
And another one who was so different. And who seemed to be able to give what I need - but I was blind. Right few days ago it came out that our needs can't meet either. I must have been lying to myself about him int the beginning........
I had a dream: I carry my mothers' burden. Yes, I do. She had the same pattern. She has fear that my life will be the same like hers. She put into me this programme.
I know I can rewrite it.
But right now I feel so tired...
Rigth now I'm fed up with self-help. The last several months I had something from it every day - a video, a mind-movie, an article, an mp3...etc.
So now I have no more words that could go forward or bring me forward.
Now I just draw and play the piano and make music on the computer.
I know life is a rollercoaster, I know after this it will go up.
I don't know how.
I love you. As much as I can. I feel it with all my heart.
*tunde
I put the answer here. I think this is much better to read than my letter above.
But what if I keep my face towards the sun but there are clouds?
I know they will go but there still are clouds. So I am now with the shadow.
I don't resist pain.
But,
it shows something much deeper.
I just found out that I have very big problem deep rooted in personality.
You know I attended the essence. One year after it - so one year ago some breakthrough happened - what hasn't happened on the seminar, happened one year later. And instantly I got NLP therapy when this childhood pain really came up.
Another time in deep guided meditation I was brought to an other life of this soul talking to you. It was supposed to give me understanding about the bigger picture of the journey.
So I know quite much about all problems, I see the complexity. I think I have understanding about what's going on.
And still, after all no self-help book or theory of the world helps because it is in the unconscious, and because no one can do it for me, but me. Through NLP I thought it was healed.
But I just found fears inside of me of what I didn't even knew about. They were so deep that I wasn't aware of them.
And I know myself well, I know what is the pattern, I knew it before too, and I thought it was healed, and I saw someone who was so-so different than anyone else I have ever known that I thought it must be right this time. And also I did it totally different way than before, and in the middle of the relationship the same shit happened like all the time before.
Do you see?
Even if I do everything I can to change the pattern - I can't.
And I am exhausted. I'm tired of this.
Would you think about me that I am afraid of intimacy? I just realized it. I didn't see the fear because it is so deep and so subtle. And funny: why I fear it? Because I need it too much. Why I need it too much? Because I didn't received it when I was a kid.
I fear controll. Why I fear it? Because controll from a men represents the controlling and rejecting parent from the childhood.
And yes, I want to keep my face towards the sun. And yes, I want to go ahead. I want to straighten my back. I want to be free from the past. But I can't.
I just found out that all relationships I had I used as a drug. To be able to concentrate on that fear, pain, joy, anything - just for to escape from looking at something deeper.
But what do I do with looking deeper?
What do I do with understanding?
What do I do with knowing the line from the past to the now?
Yes I can be in the now.
Yes there's nothing bad happening to me right now. I love the place where I live, I love my clothes, I love that I have a computer, I love my earphones, I love the people that are around me, I love the rain that is keep on falling, I love the trees outside, I love all my qualities and talents, I even use them and I love my creations, I love myself whom I know well, I love the food I eat, I love the shadowas and lights on my table
- and I love a man who cannot give me what I need.
So I must be not loving myself enough or I must have the same like above mentioned deep feeling of being unloveable.
And I know I can love other men very easily. But this is part of the problem.
I just cannot put out my unconscious.
Remember, my affirmation contained the sentence: I am loveable. And nowdays I really think and believe and know that I really am loveable. But not my subconscious...
From there, even if every circumstances are sunny, subtle feeling of fear, and being unloveable and not deserving anything keep coming.
This year january, february, march were the happiest months of my life: I felt free, at great ease, knowing, seeing and understanding. I felt great love and I was at peace with myself and the world. I had spiritual experiences like never before. Upon them I created deeper beliefs on love and energy. I felt "travelling" so fast like never before. I did yoga, chi-kung, meditation. I had visions. I had so much love to give.
And than something happened.
A boy. Who couldn't meet my needs - but I had hope and it was broken.
And another one who was so different. And who seemed to be able to give what I need - but I was blind. Right few days ago it came out that our needs can't meet either. I must have been lying to myself about him int the beginning........
I had a dream: I carry my mothers' burden. Yes, I do. She had the same pattern. She has fear that my life will be the same like hers. She put into me this programme.
I know I can rewrite it.
But right now I feel so tired...
Rigth now I'm fed up with self-help. The last several months I had something from it every day - a video, a mind-movie, an article, an mp3...etc.
So now I have no more words that could go forward or bring me forward.
Now I just draw and play the piano and make music on the computer.
I know life is a rollercoaster, I know after this it will go up.
I don't know how.
I love you. As much as I can. I feel it with all my heart.
*tunde
I put the answer here. I think this is much better to read than my letter above.
What the words "Keep your face towards the sun and the shadows will always fall behind you" remind me of hun is a book, "Man's search for meaning" by Victor Frankl. He tells of the horrors which he faced in the concentration camps. Against all odds, the young psychiatrist held on to his sanity, even when he saw both his parents and his bride die for no reason at the hands of his captors. He wrote "We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts, comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing the last of his human freedoms - to choose one's own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." In other words, it is not what happens to us that makes us feel happy or sad but out thoughts about what happens to us. Thus, the problems is how we see the problem and the issue is not the issue but it's how we deal with the issue, THAT is the issue. Our interpretation. Our spin. And that's why I was inviting you to re-tell the story but reframe it. What if this was for you? What is this was designed for yor upliftment, learning and growth? What is good and of benefit to you about the situation? Victor Frankl would focus on the beauty of a single flower and in that moment reconnect with the sunshine that IS. Rather than think "that could be me tomorrow" as he carried corpes of friends in a wheel barrow he reframed the situation and thought 2I have been spared. I will make it through this and tell the world about what is really going on" He was in hell on earth and he managed to find "better feeling thought" which is what Esther Hicks (from the film The Secret) raves about. Better feeling thoughts. That's it. Any thought that makes you feel a little better... And then another thought that once again realigns you with Source within. And off course, it's soooooo much easier said than done. But what's the alternative? To let one's unconscious drag us into dark places? Our unconscious thinks it's doing us a favour and protecting us but we still have the power to choose our focus, to choose what we give our attention to. We may not be responsible for the thoughts that come into our heads but we a re responsible for the thoughts we keep in there. We are respinsbible for what we can control and that implies our "attention". Our most valuable asset.
I am reminded of a story...
An old Cherokee Native American Indian was talking to his grandson one evening and he said to him, "Sometimes I feel as if there were two wolfs fighting inside my heart. One wolf is full of anger, judgement and fear. The other wolf is full of love, joy and peace."
His grandson then asked... "Granfather... which wolf will win?" And the old man answered "The one I feed".
So you have an issue with intimacy. Who would you be without this issue? Who would you be without the thoughts you have about this issue? Freer? Happier? More confident and trusting? Ok... What thoughts could you invest in that bring you closer to the feelings you want to have? For example... Your last e-mail to me is very intimate. More so that perhaps anyone else I know. So maybe you could assert "I can be intimate, which takes courage, openness, self trust, reaching out, opening, authenticity, vulnerability and faith in others" Hey... That is true, isn't? No little voice saying "bullshit" after affirming something that would be too much of a jump from where you are (like affirming something like "I am totally at ease with an intimate relationships with my partner"). And that's the beauty of better feeling thoughts. The stick, by definition, you believe them and so they stick and lift your vibration up a little bit. Better feeling thoughts feed the wolf of love.
Maybe all relationship you had you used as a drug and how does that thought make you feel? Is there another thought which you could have about past relationships that would empower you? It's all very well identifying limiting dinamics and patterns but it's quiet another to keep affirming them. Great to bring awareness to them so they are no longer unconscious and then it's so much more fun to be deliberate about thought!
You are stuck with your unconscious but that is not bad news senorita. It's nature's rudimentary guift which has protected you and carried you this far and it is still at your command. There are so many examples of the power of thought. Stretch your arm out, get a friend to push it hard and get a sense of how strong you are. now think -ve thoughts and get your friend to push down and you are weaker, and not just a little bit but a lot weaker. Now think positive thoughts and get your friend to push down your arm and you are stronger that the first time your friend pushed down your arm and you didnt even have to really believe the negative or positive thoughts you just had!!!!! Our neurology (our unconsious) can't tell the difference between a well imagined thought and reality. Mind your self talk sweetheart. Mind which wolf you feed. Ekheart Tolley (the Power of now) says "what is your relationship with this moment? Just observe. Am I treating this moment as an enemy, an obstacle or a means to get me somewhere else? As soon as you become aware of the dysfunction, you become freer of it and become more present but as soon as you judge your dysfunction, it has found it's way back into your psyche through the back door. So... Awareness and compassion = choice like Menis said.
So your subconsious doesnt realize how loveable you are? Well... as part of your gratitude routine, do you make a point of listing as many ways in which you were loved today or yesterday to the point you have a tear rolling down your eyes? That is awareness. That is "keeping your face towards the sun" that is changing your vibration to pick up what is on Radio 97.3fm and stop listening to what is on Radio 66.6fm.. That is aligning yourself with the vibrations you want and in doing so attract the kind of partner you would prefer.
I think this is the work amiga. Taking responsibility for what thoughts we give our attention to. Not what thoughts some one we are interested in gives their attention to.
Reach for better feeling thoughts preciosa. What's the alternative? Hell? Reach for heaven hun! And if that feels like too much hard work, well... whats a better feeling thought about that? For example "I could be having this problem and be without my computer, or where I live, or have the wonderful people I have in my life. I could be having this problem and be a starving rape victim in Ethiopia". If victor Frankl can find sunlight in the darkest corner of the world than so can we.
Much love to you dear sis! Chao for now... XO
I am reminded of a story...
An old Cherokee Native American Indian was talking to his grandson one evening and he said to him, "Sometimes I feel as if there were two wolfs fighting inside my heart. One wolf is full of anger, judgement and fear. The other wolf is full of love, joy and peace."
His grandson then asked... "Granfather... which wolf will win?" And the old man answered "The one I feed".
So you have an issue with intimacy. Who would you be without this issue? Who would you be without the thoughts you have about this issue? Freer? Happier? More confident and trusting? Ok... What thoughts could you invest in that bring you closer to the feelings you want to have? For example... Your last e-mail to me is very intimate. More so that perhaps anyone else I know. So maybe you could assert "I can be intimate, which takes courage, openness, self trust, reaching out, opening, authenticity, vulnerability and faith in others" Hey... That is true, isn't? No little voice saying "bullshit" after affirming something that would be too much of a jump from where you are (like affirming something like "I am totally at ease with an intimate relationships with my partner"). And that's the beauty of better feeling thoughts. The stick, by definition, you believe them and so they stick and lift your vibration up a little bit. Better feeling thoughts feed the wolf of love.
Maybe all relationship you had you used as a drug and how does that thought make you feel? Is there another thought which you could have about past relationships that would empower you? It's all very well identifying limiting dinamics and patterns but it's quiet another to keep affirming them. Great to bring awareness to them so they are no longer unconscious and then it's so much more fun to be deliberate about thought!
You are stuck with your unconscious but that is not bad news senorita. It's nature's rudimentary guift which has protected you and carried you this far and it is still at your command. There are so many examples of the power of thought. Stretch your arm out, get a friend to push it hard and get a sense of how strong you are. now think -ve thoughts and get your friend to push down and you are weaker, and not just a little bit but a lot weaker. Now think positive thoughts and get your friend to push down your arm and you are stronger that the first time your friend pushed down your arm and you didnt even have to really believe the negative or positive thoughts you just had!!!!! Our neurology (our unconsious) can't tell the difference between a well imagined thought and reality. Mind your self talk sweetheart. Mind which wolf you feed. Ekheart Tolley (the Power of now) says "what is your relationship with this moment? Just observe. Am I treating this moment as an enemy, an obstacle or a means to get me somewhere else? As soon as you become aware of the dysfunction, you become freer of it and become more present but as soon as you judge your dysfunction, it has found it's way back into your psyche through the back door. So... Awareness and compassion = choice like Menis said.
So your subconsious doesnt realize how loveable you are? Well... as part of your gratitude routine, do you make a point of listing as many ways in which you were loved today or yesterday to the point you have a tear rolling down your eyes? That is awareness. That is "keeping your face towards the sun" that is changing your vibration to pick up what is on Radio 97.3fm and stop listening to what is on Radio 66.6fm.. That is aligning yourself with the vibrations you want and in doing so attract the kind of partner you would prefer.
I think this is the work amiga. Taking responsibility for what thoughts we give our attention to. Not what thoughts some one we are interested in gives their attention to.
Reach for better feeling thoughts preciosa. What's the alternative? Hell? Reach for heaven hun! And if that feels like too much hard work, well... whats a better feeling thought about that? For example "I could be having this problem and be without my computer, or where I live, or have the wonderful people I have in my life. I could be having this problem and be a starving rape victim in Ethiopia". If victor Frankl can find sunlight in the darkest corner of the world than so can we.
Much love to you dear sis! Chao for now... XO
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