Augusztus 13.
Öt nap múlva megyek haza....
Öt nap múlva talán soha többé nem látjuk egymást....
Ma reggel is pokol volt...
I'm just dying without him...
And yes, death is the beginning of something else...
I wonder if you know the feeling, when you loved someone so much, you were so close and so connected, that whithout that person sweet is not sweet, fun is no fun and food has no taste anymore....
You just try and try to survive.
And I just try and try to find better feeling thoughts, to tap into love, into my heart where love dwells. And because food has no taste sad I become.
And than try to reach out and tap into love again.
Into accepting there is what there is. Into accepting and trusting that I'm too small now to understand, but Universe is bigger than me and it knows much much better what is good for me than I do. Although I can contain Universe....
I try to just get to the conclusion that all I can do and the only place where I can escape is
just loving him.
As he is now.
With his choice.
And I start to think, that if there is love, there can be pain too. I thought there couldn't but now I think there can be. Because love is on another level of us than pain. And love is always-always there. Even when I feel pain. I think about how much I love, how strong connection that was, and why we just can not love each other. Simply love. And pain is that I miss his taste, his scent, his body, his arms, his atmosphere, his eyes, his voice, his brain, his thoughts. And that I know it doesn't help that I feel that I changed, because that we cannot know, but so hard I suffer because I see all my faults - but so what? I learned. But it's too late...
I hope it's never too late...
But love is always there. Always there.
It's just that sometimes you want to be sad. Because feelings shouldn't be suppressed. And you stay with it and you are aware that it is passing.
And soon you'll be able to tap into pure love. But only if you don't resist...
And people, how important people are!
I can love my computer, my clothes, everything, but it's not the same like loving people who all are so great and so beautiful. Their eyes are stars. If I gaze into them I can see all the beauty of the world. Their faces are so perfectly unique and beautiful....
I want to be there for people.
To love them as they are.
Universe couldn't create something unperfect.
So we all are perfectly perfect. Here and now.
Yes, you are. And me as well.
I love you so-so much.
Maybe sometimes I don't show it, but I do love you all so much. Just so much.
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