Day 222.

Ez kétszázzal több, mint a 22.
...milyen is volt, mikor még csak 22 napja voltam itt?
Nem sejtettem semmit abból, mik várnak itt rám.
Mennyi öröm, mennyi fájdalom, és mennyi tanulás....


Ma van a szülinapja.

His got his birthday today.

***

Today I woke up, eat something, and cried. It's a kind of daily routine.
Today I cried for everyone. For all human beings.

Just what are we doing?
We are so good at wasting our time.
Because every moment spent out of love is a waste of time.
And when we are in love it is the only time when we are really alive.
There is a temptation to be in fear. But we should reseist that.
I see now how I was, how I stopped resisting to be in fear and so I created lack and separation.
I see how unloving I was when I thought I was loving.
And that makes me very sad. And even angry at myself.
Oh, my dear God, what did I do???
How could I do to him what I did??
But what I did, I did to him in my great pain and fear. And we all have that.
And that is understandable and forgiveable.
Because now, every day, I see how I can love.
Every day I cry for
the understanding.
When will people understand that all is one, and that there is nothing more important than to be in love.
I understood it now.
I understood that really NO matter WHAT, I just have to look upon myself and just give love and trust universe.
But oh dear, when you have a pattern in your brain it is so hard to rewrite it but it is possible.
And how I promised myself last time, that I will not leave myself, that I will follow my life, that I will not close myself to the world - but I couldn't keep my promis and also I didn't see that it's not only about that.
So everything is good as it is because if I didn't do that at that time, I wouldn't see so clearly now, I wouldn't be able to get back to my true self which is love.
And how dark the road can be.
How hard to reach that small light on the end of the tunnel.
Every morning I awake almost the same place where I started in the morning the day before.
And that's why every morning I cry.
And I reveal what is love and what is not love.
I must admit than that I didn't behave in a loving way. And I must cry than: why not?
And what are we doing?
Why on earth do we stop ourselves from loving? From staying in love. As long as we can.
Of course we have mistakes. But we can forgive ourselves and others because this is true love.

Oh dear God, what did I do?
I took away from myself even that little time that we could've spent together. Right because it was so-so little. And he the same.
So what are we doing?
Love is true and never dies.
I know him. I have to believe in that.
And nothing, nothing else matters, only that love is true and never dies.
And love is stronger than our brains.
I must believe this.

So I love him anyway.
And I respect his choice. Even if I miss him a hell a lot.



Happy birthday Kutyánszki.
I love you. And I respect you.
And I'm sorry.


***

I love you my beautiful and special friend. I really do.
Thank you for being here.