Day 50.

Ma arra keltem, hogy szeretet vagyok, és boldog, minden különösebb ok nélkül.

Aztán később ez átment valahogyan olyan érzésbe, hogy törődésre vágyom. Hogy törődjenek velem. Anyukám törődésére. A nővérem törődésére. A barátaim törődésére. Hogy megkérdezzék, van-e valamire szükségem itt kint. Hogy tudjam, hogy gondolnak rám. Hogy tudjam, hogy olvassák néha a blogom. Hogy törődnek azzal, hogy mi is lehet velem.
Mikor látom-hallom, hogy mások csomagot kapnak, vagy tudom, hogy valakinek az anyukája elzarándokolt valami bevásárlóközpontba, hogy egy zacskó finom teát küldjön a lányának - ilyenkor úgy vágyom valami hasonlóra...
Pedig már 25 éves vagyok, de azt hiszem az ember ezt a szükséget sosem növi ki.

Épp erről írtam a legutóbbi dalomat is. Hogy attól függetlenül, hogy én szeretem magam, másokra is szükségem van, hogy szeressenek. Mert a szeretet az, ami éltet minket. Enélkül az ember meghal. A nélkül, hogy fontosnak és szükségesnek érezné magát, hogy szeretetet adna és kapna.
Persze azt is mondják, hogy minél több szeretetet adsz (magadnak és másoknak), annál több száll vissza hozzád az univerzumból. (Ahogy a gondolatokkal is van: olyan az univerzum és a gondolat, mint egy pohár víz, amibe beledobsz egy kavicsot. Beledobod, az hullámokat vet, és a pohár széléről visszatérnek a hullámok ugyanarra a helyre, ahol keletkeztek. Sokkal tovább és sokkal több hullám tér vissza, mint ameddig és amennyi keletkezett. )

Adalék a mai naphoz, az ékes ánglius nyelvet beszélőknek:

Open letter to my friend - I call her the Enchantress Of The Desert:

Dearest Soul-Sistah,

first I need to let you know how good it was to see you after such a long time, and how good is it that I can be your friend and that you are here for me as a friend. I miss you. And I'm really happy to be so lucky to know you.
Denmark is awesome! I'm having an amazing time here. I learn and I'm having fun so much.
As you know we broke up with "big love". Funny, huh? But I changed so much inside. At that time when we got know with each other I wanted a "normal" relationship. But I didn't know what is, in fact, a normal relationship. At least what people call "normal" in Hungary. Most of hungarian men were brought up very conservative, and if not than they are totally nuts - you can't do anything with them.
(Because Hungary has a slow, sticky energy in one way. Maybe this nation has a karma to get out of it. But of course the other way we are very good learners and thinkers I think, and this must be because of the language. 'Cos hungarian language is very hard, and very sensitive, and they say it's a holy language because our basic words (they are I think more than thousand) have meanings in three different levels. Each of these old words you can use in a meaning for phisical world, and for two levels in non-phisical world: maybe psyche and very deep, world-unconscious meaning. And this language has a special effect on brains I think. And in this language you can express even the most difficult and deepest feelings. So this would be the positive side of Hungary. But people... well they're just people. I still don't know if it's just Hungarian virtue or just human nature, that dog eates dog and if you're talented in something or you have more money or whatever, they are jealous and they want you to rather die. And if you are talented they don't support you to learn even more and became better, but they try to put you down, to step in your way. It's a strange feeling that we ae one big family but we do not love each other.
Sorry - I ran away a bit in my thoughts. :) )
Back to me:
So if it was such a big big love we should be still together. So it wasn't. Or I chanegd too much.
As soon as I arrived here, I realized what I want to be, what is the path of my soul I am walking, and how much more free I am generally than to be in a so-called "normal relationship" with someone for whom it's not a present that I am there for him, but it's a need and he arrogates to give things.
So insted of aaaall this I love myself and accept myself more than ever. And I'm more and more open and free. It's a great feeling. :)
And yes, I have some really good friends here and we'll become even more close to each other as time goes by.

Well, music is good as always. I have some really great teachers here. And slowly I get into music theory, which aloows me to compose own music. I am at the very beginning of this process to be able to compose but I can see and sense my progress in it. I'm very proud of myself and I'm really happy about this. And, sometimes I feel that what we do everyday in music is not really useful for me, 'cos we very often do covers from other bands, and this is not what I would like to learn mostly, but Arnes the teacher sais that it's good for us 'cos that's the way to try all styles and learn arrangement, but I don't know if this is the way to teach us how to be musicians.
Sometimes I even have doubts if I supposed to be a musician or singer.
And that guy whom I call Flame, 'cos in my eyes he's like one, he told me, that I am a singer already so I don't have to wish for it and he thinks that singing is a very natural human thing and it's a way of meditation and that it's just one part of me and I have another quest in this life: to be a great healer. (But I think it's nothing special because we all are healers for each other and ourselves.)
And why I have doubts? Because I see him playing, performing and composing - and for him it's just so natural, so easy. But for me it's not natural, not so easy. And his natural playfulness seems to be so far away, so hard to reach for me. But it maybe only because of my fear and because I'm not free enough yet to allow myself to use that divine power of creating - for example music.
But beside all of that I'm enjoying all music classes very much and I play and learn and practice a lot.

I am waiting for your letter very-very-very VERY much!

Sending you healing love and hugs

*

See you soon.
I love you.