Day 148. - Go within

Well, I do it to myself.
Why do I do it to myself?

The outside world, what I'm looking at, is a done deal. Or it looks like one, although everything is vibrational. Everything is vibration. There's nothing out there. It's just in my mind as my perception projects it. There's not even another person "out there" because all is one.
So the things out there are just illusions. Like I would see a movie. If I want to change the picture, I shall go to the projector, which now is my mind, so I must go within.
But I don't know that yet. Better to say: this truth is not in my heart yet. It's in my mind.
That's why that what is happening is happening around me.

So what is that part that I should heal now?
It's coming to me causing pain because it's not healed yet.

So, this relationship what I do have with someone - another soul that has a male body, but nevertheless this soul is not separated from me - so what is my problem?
Well, the problem although is, that where there should be overflowing love, there is a gap.

So why do I do this to myself?
Is it that my love towards myself is not continual? That there are gaps in the loving of myself?
Well, that easily can be.
Even that's why it's good that it is happening what is happening, like a mirror of my inner world, that it makes me heal that gap.

It shouldn't matter if he will ever be able to be consekvent and fluently loving towards me. I should just make it for myself not paying attention if he will go with it, or not. Or if there will be another he.
Well that soungs great. But I am an idealist.
I truly believe that there must be perfect love.
Well, if there is perfect love inside of me, it will be outside too.

Still what is this gap? What is it that stops me from loving myself time after time?

I don't know the answer yet.
Or to put another way: I don't like several things - some reactions, emotions, features of my recent personality - in myself. But it seems too much to deal with, or to find out and immediately make the spell dissolve... the spell that I cast on myself. (Okay, society had a big part in it, but that's allright. Everything is allright. Everything is as it has to be. )
And I must be patient...

I can not force and speed and push the change. Everyting - me and the circumstances must be ripe before.
My "destiny" is ripening constantly inside and outside as well.

So what I immediately can do is to

CHOOSE
MY
ATTITUDE.

CHOOSE
MY
FOCUS.

I hope I'll succeed.

I hope, whoever you are, my gentle reader, you get something for yourself out of this brain-storm. And I hope, that you know, that I love you, I really do, for who you are.

May your life be filled with light&love.

I love you.

Ps: David Icke said: Imagine, what a world would it be, if two people met, and said:
- Hi, who are you?
- Hi, I am consciousness.
- So am I. Nice to meet.

Ps2: All that is left for me to do today and that I want to do today is to breathe, open my mind and heart another way to intuition. I want to listen to my intuition. I want to remember who I am. And I want to be in my body listening it's messages. And I do want to embrace, marry and respect everything that I meet in my recent experience so that I do not resist anymore, so that if there's something that makes me react with strong emotions, and it is not the best use of my energy - just see what there is in it for me. What is it that is my part. What is it that I am there...