Levél Menisnek

Dear Menis,
today is the day when I really realized, who I am. Earlier I thought I new but now I have a much deeper insight of my recent life.
I cried a lot today.
My boss went mad at me, he shouted - I was shocked and scared. Later he tried to explain himself: he said I will meet much worse things in life than that. (And than I saw how much he seeks peace but he cannot find it and how much he does not love himself. I felt compassion.) Maybe earlier I would've been listening to what he said but now there's a deep knowledge, that it's not true. And I am so glad about this knowing. At least I can truly believe my own vision of life. I truly know that my world is different than his' one. And different than anyone would think my life looks like.
I know my real self now. (I write it down so many times and repeat it because it's so important to me, 'cos this is the only way to accept and love myself and so never doubt myself again and this way walk my real way and manifest my dreams, and reach my goals.)
I remember one of my former lives which is important to remember. Because it explains and remembers who and what I really am and why and what is that deep wondering and indecisiveness in me, although there's fire in me, there's passion in me, there's power in me.
And today when my boss yelled at me I realized this is what I was asking for from Universe - this is how mad I am at me. And I am right after an unfaithful story with a boy again - usual game: I love, I feel connected, he does not, so I cannot receive anything, just like in my fathers' case - so I know the right question is WHY do I always choose boys who cannot feel connection to me? And the answer is: because I play the same roles as with my father. Because that's what I learned. This is what I CAN play.
And than there's a deeper level: why is this so? And the answer is: because here in me there's a little three-year-old-girl, who miss her father, who never allowed to herself to miss him or to feel anger because of his decision which made her suffer, losing him, losing love, losing half of her world and confidence, but secretly she suffers a lot, she cries a lot, she doesn't understand anything of the things happening around her, later she realizes her loss, she is told to accept it, to accept her father as a good man, and she's a good girl, so seemingly she does it, and she believes it herself, but in reality she feels anger while the same time she miss her father - so she's confused 'cos a kid is not allowed to feel anger towards the parents! So her feelings of love, loss, need, anger, and guilt are totally messed up. And I was mad at me, I felt guilt towards myself too, that I was cruel to myself, I was unkind, I didn't feel compassion to myself.
You know, Menis, I knew it all, but I didn't realized it. I didn't noticed my real feelings, I really thought I accepted it, 'cos mother always told me to do so. I knew it all but didn't feel it, didn't live it.
Today I cried a river over me. I cried a river over this little sweet gorgeous girl who I was, who's intentions and dreams and all possibilities to live the happiest and greatest life were given and taken than.
Today I hugged this little girl, I told her words of cheer, I explained her that it is right to feel that way, and that she is beloved and she can trust me and herself and that she is the most beautiful soul I've ever seen and that she can be, do or have anything she wants to. ...she thought she can't. Now she's calm.
Now I feel compassion to myself. And to other people too.
I missed that boy before - now I am strong and mature enough to let him go his way. And to walk my way without giving any more thoughts to him.
So wonderful to live and experience this peace love and harmony in me.
And to be so sure that my dreams will come true whoever sais or thinks whatever.

You know, life is like leaf on waves of water: once up once down. I hope that my energy level is constantly rising.
Now I know how untrue to myself I was in the last years. Even when you asked me questions. I was far away from my feelings. I couldn't feel them. I wasn't able to recognize myself. I didn't dare to show my weakness. As often as not now days I am ashamed of showing and admitting my weaknesses too. Or if I show it, than I don't feel alright. But I show it at least. And NOW I'm not ashamed anymore. Now I feel quite comfortable about being who I am. - Maybe wounded, hurt, weak, left-alone, but believing in good faith, in my beauty, my talent and power to create abundance, peace, love and freedom.