Day 178. Later on...

How the hell is it possible that I have all sources and tools in my hands to live a great life, and still I can't?
I know all solutions to all problems.
I know what is my only job here.
Still I can't stop being sad.
I can't stop crying.
I can't stop thinking, that I don't want to be here. Here on this Earth. I don't want to live.
It's too hard. It's too hopeless.
I truly want this bad feelings go away from me. I truly want to heal myself and others.
But this bad feelings just stay.
This sadness won't leave me.
This heavy heart is just too heavy.
All joy that I brought here seems to slip away.
That girl who I was, that soul who I am...
beautiful to make me happy...to make me an amazing creator... but now all around there's only pain.
Hope that big pain is the sign of big healing.

I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.

I love you, I truly do.