Something went
terribly wrong.
Just the very beginning of day 35.
It is 2 o'clock in the night.
I am over a 3-4 hours attack of pain.
Now it is going away...
Something went terribly wrong.
Love: no go.
Money: no go.
Health: no go.
Carreer: no go.
I kinda' have a feeling that all is well.
Even if I am in pain.
Even if no area of my life is going well.
Somehow I feel it is for me. I feel that if I relly go to the deepest of it, if I really will have nothing, nothing at all, I will see who I am and which way to go.
Of course I am hoping for the best.
I am hoping that I do not have to break totally down to get a new start.
***
Something went terribly wrong:
I had love, I had money, I had health.
Why did I loose all of them?
(Of course all is not that bad. I'm alive. Nothing really serious is going against my health. I don't need money right now and all I need I have, but nothing more - so I don't have the money to fly home, but it is a while ahead still. I am doing the things I really love to do. And I am in love. I still can love him. He is still willing to see me. But nothing more I guess...but of course I am grateful for whatever is given to us.)
But why did the good money go, the perfect relationship go, and the perfect health go?
Is it because I resisted change?
It can easily be the reason.
So yesterday I decided: I will be a Yes Woman.
I will say yes to change.
Whatever comes.
But only if I feel it in my heart of course.
...but why did I loose all of them?
Maybe because it was not what I really wanted? I could not believe this. Everything was so beautiful.
Now it's even more beautiful.
I am a human.
***
I am a human being, not wanting any more to be better than I am because I am good as I am.
I am a human being, feeling human love to another human being.
And I do mistakes.
What is loveable about me for myself is that I really try my best. I really still want to love more and more unconditionally.
And I see that loving unconditionally is not about leaving myself.
It is not about devoting myself to others needs or my needs.
It is not about giving it all away - all what I am, all what I have. Not even to that one whom I love so much.
I try to love myself because I have faith. Because I am idealistic. Because I am like a little girl from the kindergarden with the first love...
...All love in my life is like the first love.
Not stopping adoring that other part, not stopping gazing in the beauty of another. Never stopping marvelling that other human being. Never stopping marvelling the miracle of love, the miracle of looking into the eyes of another. Believing that this love is true. Believing that it can last forever. Believing that it is only up to us. To both of us. Not circumstances. Not the "rest of the world". Only him and me. Believing that we perfectly match together.
Believing that this is not a fairy tale. Or if it is, than it is the true fairy tale of my life.
How lucky I am that I have the consciousness to look upon this beauty I create inside of me.
***
But why is the outside not going well?
Maybe it is not the right person I'm choosing?
But every time every person we choose is the right one.
So I could choose any, anybody else. I could love anybody else. I know.
Maybe first I should love myself even more?
Might be.
...where are my wings?
I can feel them.
But I can't use them.
I haven't used them since high-school. That was ten years ago...
***
BUT
besides all of this
life is beautiful.
I have great friends!
I do the things I really like to do.
Write.
Party with all nice, sincere, wonderful, loveable and loving friends.
Singing, learning music.
Travel a lot.
And it is payed.
It is payed by the school. The School of Life. The place where I receive more love than I've ever recived at any place before. Hungarian schools were so-so cold. So unfriendly, so rough and harsh. Except a few teachers who could bring love into the classes.
So maybe it is the very rihgt time and place where I am now. I receive healing. Healing from all wounds from the unloving places before.
All is good.
I realized that I must exist without him in my head. Better to say not with and not without him. I must exist without referring to him.
And just love him.
I can do this when he is not around. But when he is near than I can't forget all the worrying thoughts about: is this right so? Does he love me? Am I just sex? Am I important for him? How will I live through if he will go to another country and he will not even try to say something warming, something hopeful. He will just leave. Maybe he will think about me. But he will never call. Never write. And most of all never will say again those nice things he used to say in the beginning. Because that time is over. Now there's new time. New state of the realtionship. We are changing. I must accept that. And that the more I miss those nice things the more they won't come.
He will go after his own life. And he will not bring me with him into his life.
No matter if I would love him to be part of my life.
But maybe he is rihgt.
In that this thing between us is more worth than this.
That would be beneath this relationships dignity if we would want to just carry each other into our lives...
Just like I saw today that this relationship lives up to more than having a photo about him on my desk.
It is about much more.
At least that's how I see.
***
And
at last
besides all of that,
I am very tired of wanting.
I am very tired of wanting and working for it alone.
I am tired of not receiving the kindness, the gentleness I deserve.
I am very tired of not feeling while making love that I am something really precious. (Maybe it is just up to me...?)
I do feel it when I am alone. I used to pamper myself. To spend time on being alone and only sitting and feeling love towards myself and paying attention only to that what is amazingly wonderfully good about me. To that beautiful inner landscape. I can't even tell how beautiful it is and how good it is to be with myself. And of course loving that outer landscape too.
But I am tired of not receiving those nice things for God knows what reason that make it go...
I say yes to not wanting anything any more.
***
And last but not least:
life is beautiful,
because I love myself more and more,
and
because you read me.
Because you are here giving your precious time and attention to my thoughts.
Life is beautiful, because you are here reading me and I can tell you the message how beautiful you are my dear and precious Friend.
I don't see you. But I feel you. I know that all what I see is mirroring in your beautiful soul.
I am so lucky to be here and be able to love you.
To remind you of your own marvel!
Remember my sweet friend: you are amazingly perfect right the way you are right here and right now.
I love you.
I really do.
See you soon.
I love you so much.
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