Day 38.-Deeper and deeper down

...down on the stairway leading to my underworld - leading to wisdom.

Today I received a book written by a famous hungarian psychiatrist. I opened the book just wherever and the first sentence I saw was:

The definition of love is that love does not call for anything, love does not want anything.

I read a little before this sentence. He wrote: most people are frightened if they hear anyone telling them: I love you. It is because in most cases if people say this, they say it because they want something. Not because they want to give, but because they want to receive something. It happens when there is some kind of hunger in the family. For example the father is hungry for sex/love/ability of giving/anything, and than the child does not know if he/she is loved or someone wants something from them. - We are not tought to love ourselves.
If love and eagerness/thirst are mixed together it is near to insanity.

I say, that what people want to receive is mostly nothing else but love. (and attention and respect.)
And it is because people can't love themselves enough. If they would be totally satisfied with themselves, if they could love, appreciate and respect themselves enough they would not ask for love, attention and respect.
That people can't love themselves enough has many reasons. (parents, society, etc.)

We are not tought - not all of us - to love ourselves foremost and first of all.

If the father in that family would love himself he would not be hungry for love. (If he would've received all phisically and emotionally necessary love/touch/care he would've known better how to love himself, he would've known he would've been okay.) If he would not be hungry for something, he could give/act real love.
No one tells us in the beginning of our life that we are welcome in this world as a perfect, divine and free being. - Maybe we wouldn't understand.
No one tells or shows us in our childhood how to love ourselves. - Maybe we all are here to learn that by ourselves...

I'm writing down all this because today I got a deep and shocking insight into myself.
I saw that I lied to people in the most sacred thing of my life.
I felt so big pain, so ashamed, and felt so big guilt and regret, that I was shaking and shivering, crying.
I saw that a lot of imes when I said to someone that I loved them it was because I wanted them to love me, not because I really truly loved them.
More horrible was the revelation that all my personality was based on this: to receive love from people. (Because of how I was conditioned by life, circumstances, parents, family in my childhood.) Well, that is very bad... But I must take responsibility for it now.

And few minutes later I saw that it was alright.
It was alright because I did love those people - many times and as I could. I did my best. It was impossible to do better at that time and place. Because I was in the place of disfunction, pain and fear. I was not awake. So how could I have been functioning well?
But many times when I went to that place in my heart where love dwells and poured real love onto myself - at that time I really loved those people.
I see how I suffer. I know why was it so hard to really love myself and others.
I do forgave myself my mistakes.
All what I tried was to love.
And I am human. I fail sometimes.
But as I am, all we are here to learn to love and this triggers so big appreciation in me. Towards myself and others.
And I forgive myself also because the need for love is very human, very natural feeling. It is a drive. This is the drive that drives us through a lifetime.
But there is the knowing that I can love myself, fill up the vessel and when it is overflowing, than give to others - without any expectation.

So today afternoon was an awakening.
And beautiful and horrible at the same time is that one never knows how many times one has to repeat the awakening.
Maybe it is something I have to relearn day by day, until that day when I get used to the new way of existing: awakened to real love.

Few hours before this particular awakening there was a forerunner of this event.
I went into a mall and suddenly I spotted certain objects and people, faces, acts in the shop and started to feel love towards them - yes, even towards the objects in the shop.
I saw how much love is around me.
And also when the revelation happened
I felt the same. Even stronger.
I still cried but it was not bad for me.
I felt very great gratitude

for how much love is around me.
These people here who share the journey with me.
These buildings that give me home.
And particulary that man I love: he is just such a great teacher. Offering me the opportunity of learning.
The best opportunity to change!
To change my habits.
To choose NOW to go another way than how I used to - even if all of my cells wanted to go the usual way because I do it for so long time. NOW I can chose to go the other way.
To feel
instead of sadness, powerlessness, hopelessness, limitation and depression
and
instead of anger, rage, pain, fear
and
instead of "wisdom", "wanting-to-be-even-better", "loving-even-more"

OR
better to say on top af all the above mentioned

non-thinking.

silence.

acceptance and peace.

Just rooting in myself.

Nothing more.

I'm free for now.


...there is a saying: that one who doubts their loving is the one who loves most.
Because I can always, always love cleaner.
I can always make your life easier and more full of light. As if I was not there.


So special and beautiful gentle Reader, my Friend,

I love you even more than yesterday.
I love you more than ever befor.
I love you out of freedom.

And same way onto myself I do.

Thank you so much for the opportunity of sharing.
Thank you so much for being here.

You I love.