Day 54-60.

Since days I want to write here, but there was no internet in my room. What a shame. 

And elsewhere I can't be only myself, slipping into my own dear world and writing the words of this world.

Since days I want to write, but now I don't have so many thoughts like had in the last few days. They are gone for now.

Well, there was an episode last week that I wanted to share. 

Maybe it will turn out long - compared to no thoughts. 

Last week was one of the worst weeks for me since I'm here in Denmark. 

Open, the man I loved so much, left the country.

Left my so dear life.

From his own free will - I hope so. I hope that it was not fear-driven but heart-driven. But even if it was fear-driven I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save him because it is not my job. And I couldn't do that what so ever....

And I knew it will happen.

And I was down. I tried to keep up my head. This time it went better.

Maybe I'm stronger now, maybe Gods Good Will, maybe those so dear people in my life around me. These temporary and non-temporary friends, helpers, who share the journey with me in this time-space continuity. Or maybe I just realized, that even if it would be the deep truth that he really loved me I couldn't do anything but agree to stop dancing together, because this was not what I wanted. 

And that pain caused by the question: WHY again? Why again the same shit? Why again a man, who can't commit himself, not even to his own feelings? Why again a man who can't stand by me, who can't believe in true love? Why again a bad choice? Why again this blindness of me? 

But that pain is not so bad now. And it is just the difference of my reaction. Earlier I reacted with suffer, and big pain and not understanding and great fear. Now I react with acceptance: yes. Again. And maybe it will happen some more times. Maybe it will never end. Maybe I will stay in this pattern, although I'm working on it hard to get out of this. To forget the past. To accept the shadow of the past. To accept that hole in my soul, and learn to LIVE with it. Yes, now I love that part so much. Maybe there is nothing else to do with it. 

And maybe because there is someone special around here, who reminds me so much of that feeling of true, free, real love. To that love that does not want anything. That does not care if there will be a return of it or not.  That if once arise flows over and spreads to every direction, and that does not care whom is it given to - if it's a friend or a foe, a nice person or a not-so-nice person. And it's all because there is someone around who triggers this feeling. It is such a great gift I have here.

And see, this is NOT the episode I wanted to share but now it's out.

The episode was about another special someone.

So I new that Open will step out of our dance, and I will have to continue to dance alone.

And in those bad days I tried so hard to feel good. I went to play table-tennis with some guys, and here it went: I asked a simple question and I got yelled at. I got yelled at from a very russian guy. Seems to be strong and free and special, but just a fool. Unpredictable. He yelled at me like that: "Why you have to be such a piece of shit? You are bitch sometimes. Lot of times. Why you have to do that?" I went like: "What the heck did I do for Gods Sake??!" And he just said the same thing again. So it was probably that I told something in Hungarian to Agent B., and the russian guy asked in danish what am I saying and I answered: nothing, because it was not important and because I was in a hurry to change shoes to play table tennis. And he got upset. I guesses at that time as well, that it is just his thing. That anytime I am a bitch he cares too much. He takes it on himself even if I do not intend to hurt him. So strange that for me, in my head it is very obvious and natural that I do not think any bad things about him, and that if I behave a bit more arrogant than usual, it is only because I am so tired... of something - maybe of too many people, maybe of my period, maybe of just speaking, just trying to let people understand me, and instead I'm just like a dog: barking and snarling. And than he takes it on himself. How stupid.

And at that time when he yelled at me, I was quite week because of that thing with Open, so I couldn't hold my tears and feelings. Just started to cry so he went: "Don't cry. I hate when girls cry. Be strong. Don't be stupid. You can cry when someone dies or you are abandoned or something serious happens, but don't cry now, it's nothing." And I couldn't say anything, thoughts were just running so fast in my head, that I could've told him, but than I thought he wouldn't understand anyway so I better stay quiet. And this was also a reason to cry. That I knew that the way of the heart is sharing. Sharing our truth in any circumstances. But I didn't have the strength to do that. So I just wanted to disappear but he hold me back and saying things like: Oh, come on, he left you like six times already so you shouldn't cry it's nothing serious..... It was just so bad. And than of course he still does not understand me, just has this picture about me in his head that I am so and so - and I shouldn't care.

And after it I was thinking: HOW the hell could I attract into my life a situation like this? This is how much I do not love myself? How much I do not understand and accept myself? Because I believe that the world outside of us is a mirror to the inside of us... So how the hell could I sink so low in such a low energy field? Was I so unconscious? Was it a sign? Or it's just the way he is, and nothing about me? 

He said also that I'm not fourteen anymore, I should grow up. And yes right there is the problem. Maybe I will never be able to grow up. Or better to say: to raise that little girl inside of me, who was not raised out of several reasons. And that's why I should do that. But it seems to be such a hard job.

And after this episode the night went so well!

Because I decided to feel good. To not give a damn about him, or the things he said, that accidentally touched very sensitive, very painful points in me. 

I set a firm intention that I'm gonna think only good thoughts. Thoughts that feel good. And went to cook pumpkin soup with nice friends, and there came some Hungarians right from Hungary that night, they brought pálinka, and we had just such a great time. At some point the electricity was gone from the whole house so we had to stop cooking. And so the soup was ready after midnight. 

That was the first night of something really good.

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All in all I feel gifted nowdays.

I remember who I am.

I remember that I MUST go this way. I MUST go on my own way - in music. 

I remember that I am the master of myself.

I remember that to say I don't know is just another way of the ego to make us feel weak. Because we do know. All answers are inside of us. Maybe we have to give time to them to come up to the surface. Maybe we just have to listen very carefully to our hearts. We have to be very quiet to hear what it is saying. But it is there. 

If we manage somehow to make ourselves feel stronger than we can feel our way. 

I feel so gifted that I can be here in this school.

I learn so much here.

And I'm really excited about what this knowledge will be useful for in the future. 

So this is one of the rare trusting moments of me now. In the last few months I was so down.

But nowdays I made up my mind: how can I take responsibility for my own happiness? What can I do for that? How can I make myself feel better? I found out that to feel better I just have to do something that I can be proud of. And there are a lot of things that I'm doing that I can be proud of. 

I feel  myself becoming better and better in singing. I feel more and more safe holding the microphone and opening my heart and being integrated with what I'm expressing. 

And I feel so-so very utterly happy about the fact that I do believe, I'm so sure about that now that I set an intention to be a singer, to be loved, to be content, to be happy, to live in abundance, and that I take steps towards it, and I do not know HOW it will be, how it will come true, how it will manifest, but I'm so sure that it will. I feel that it can't be any other way. 

They say, you set the intention, you focus only on what you want, you take the first steps and the rest is not your job. The rest is ordered and will be delivered by Universe.

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And now that I'm writing I feel so energetic. And I can remember the same feeling while singing. 

And I know that life is a roller coaster... And that if there is black, there must be white. And that everything is for me. Everything is for to learn. And that people with pain can live at peace of mind and acceptance - so can I. 

Goodbye.

I love you.