Sometimes – only sometimes I feel that there is hope. And than I think of you, I think that I could be your friend, I could send you letters, not waiting you to answer them. I wouldn’t know if you felt like answering them, and I wouldn’t like to bother you. I think that we could still share our lives somehow. But than I think that if I would fall in love with someone else, or you would, we stopped writing very immediately, unwaited and unwanted. Or if we wouldn’t, than you would be just too important to me and still part of my life and part of my new relationship. Non of these would be very good. It wouldn’t be good to stop writing and communicating just because we have someone else in our lives. Because if we stopped we would have the questions: why have we been communicating so far than? What was it that we tried to replace with keeping in touch? Maybe you were the man for me all that time and I was the woman for you, and sice we have new „objects” of our physical and psychical desires of man and woman we can stop writing to each other. Because now we have real 3D touchable love. That
And if we decided that we were too close to each other, or that we were too important for each other to stop communicating – what would the new arrivals in our lives think to themselves? What would I feel than? I would feel that you are too important, and that other person doesn’t have a word in what we have together. And that you are part of my life. And than how could I start a new relationship - with you on my mind?
Maybe I see things too much as black and white. But that’s how I am and I don’t want to change. I like being passionate. Because without it I couldn’t love you the way I do love you, whith all I have, and without limits, out of space and time.
And than I feel that there is hope: in the decision for myself to be a single magical woman not letting anyone close to me, until one day someone would come who would be as magical and beautiful as I am, and much more succesful than I am now, very long-lasting with self discipline and a strong power of will, and won’t let me go and would put roses on my doorstep, and who would put himself into the freest wanting and longing to have me on his side. And maybe there would be a very long time until this happens, maybe years. But I will be only more and more beautiful and magical, the most feminin woman, and in the meantime I will find peace with myself, and accept things just how they are, I will be still just lovable, and I will free myself, and I will have a diploma in singing.
And I will always remember you. I remember you when I watch a movie about passionate, unbreakable, lasting-until-death love. I remember you when the weather is grey and it’s raining all day every day for a month. I'm reminded of you by the candle light and by loneliness. I'm reminded of you by a hug, or by making love. I'm reminded of you by the music we used to like. I'm reminded of you by working. By kitchen-duty and by cooking or eating. By being unsocial. I remember you when going to bed dressed up, so that you don’t have to dress up in the morning. I remember you when sleeping on the floor. I'm reminded of you by bycicling. By the shower gel we used to use. By sauna. By lines and ankles. By minimalism. I' reminded of you by strong taste. By rolling or smoking a cigarette. By Sweden. By a joint. I'm reminded of you by spring. I remember you when running into the ice-cold North-Sea. I'm reminded of you by the color of the sand. By my glasses, by soft-shell, by tea. I remember you when being generous and giving. I'm reminded of you by cuttlery and tobacco, by fruits and strawberry jam. I remember you when having fun. I'm reminded of you by great humor, by a lighter, by mountains and walking. By perfect health. I'm reminded of you by life and death.
I'm reminded of you by beginning.
And one day I'll be reminded by all these things of someone else because that is your will.
And the biggest mistake of life is that I can never be in your head, in your mind, and I will never know what you experienced and how you feel right now.
You had the most prescious fingertips I ever saw. The most beautiful body. The hardest ass I’ve ever touched. The deepest eyes I ever looked into. The most unique creativity all around you.
I saw the most beauty in you of all the world. The most freedom, the most honesty. I experienced the most life in and with you.
I wish we would be so naive to simply love each other. To belong together no matter what.
But we’re not.
And it’s over.
But I will remember how much love and joy is in the world around me. I will remember that we are all children of God and that there’s simply nothing that could stop me from loving. We are all connected. And if I live from my heart I can feel that connection. And I’ll remember that it’s never too late, there’s always hope and if not, than love is always there.
This is a way of saying goodbye. Maybe I’ll have to do it more times for my own sake...
Goodbye.
My love will never die.
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