Day 79.

The last two or three months were, but especially the last month was the worst month of my life.

I have been so down.

It was so-so bad that I can't even express. Pain was everywhere. Inside of me, outside of me. Everything was dark, rotten and sick. I cried every single day. And I had fear that I have depression.

I lost the love of my life.

He left me.

In an awful ununderstandable way.

My heart exploded I was hurt so much. I loved, I gave all I had - and turns out, even the biggest, truest, strongest and most pure love can not change a man for the better, can not make a man truly love me, can not stop anyone from going away and being in the same old cold world like he used to be...

I have been in psychical and physical pain in the last one month.

Until the day when I realized that I just have to face things. I just have to face the worst thing that I can think of, and than watch what happens. And mostly: nothing. It's like the hurricanes' eye. There, in letting myself to see the worst... I can find peace. Because I see that how big ever the pain is I do not die.

And also realized that how he behaves is about him, not about me. I may be perfect - peoples' perfection is very different from mine. I may be perfect - people are just themselves. 

It was not wasted time.

I found a treasure. This treasure was shining so bright for me, and I am very glad that he probably saw himself with my loving eyes and loves himself better and learned to love better.

And now 

I am sorry for only one thing about that relationship that gave me so much... Not staying in love is a waste of time, and I'm sorry we wasted our time so much... 

But I do not regret anything. 

I am grateful for that times when we experienced what is real, pure love, and what is not love.

And I am grateful for how enormously I grew in love and knowledge about myself.

I'm getting better.

***

And I want to share my prayer with you.

Dear God,

if there is something like a god,

I humbly ask you for the best for me and all human kind. 

I ask for the best for that man I love so much. Grow him in love and prosperity. Help him find his so beautiful loving heart which is inside of him.

I humbly ask you to help us to find our own special ways to freedom.

Help us to find our peace.

Help us to stay away from the ugliness of the hearts. Help us to stay in health and love 24/7. 

I humbly ask you to help me shine my true heart and let it be your shine.

I humbly ask you to help me to stay on my way even though many people may not understand me - let me just love them anyway.

I humbly ask you to help me find my way to be happy. And send me that man that you ordered to be by my side to live in pure love with.

And finally may all your blessings come to wherever I may go.

May I bring bliss and joy and enlightenment to wherever I am.

May I be strong enough to stop asking you to save me from pain.

May I wish to give. May I allow to receive.

May I wish to love. May I allow being loved.

May I wish to support. May I allow being in abundance.

May I allow all your infinite abundance come to me so that I can share it with all mankind.

May I accept and love myself so that I can accept and love others.

I am grateful for everything that is given to me. I am grateful for every minute that I live.

I am grateful for every minute when I do not live.

I am grateful for the light I bring into my own life.

I am grateful for my mother and father. Bless them.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for all the love that I receive day by day. I am so loved. And I am so grateful.

Let me shine my unique light 

which comes from you.

***

Thank you for joining me on my journey.

Thank you for following me to my heart.

See you.

I love you so much.