I know that all my needs are met... I know that feeling unloved, feeling needy or lacking is just an illusion. The Universe looks after me and guides my life with loving precision... my life is perfect for me and I reject all ideas of separation or isolation
Those people are just so-so great! So great music and so good performance.
And I told them, if I would be good enough I just went up to them and told them "I want you as my band. Please be my band. Or let me be your vocalist..."
And Mikkel signed me on Myspace and listened to one of my songs and they said they liked it! And he bookmarked me!
And I really would like to try how would it be to put some vocals on their music...
And tomorrow we'll have a concert. I'll be singing, playing bass and piano. But mostly singing.
Now I'm very calm about that.
It's a good sign also that whenever whatever I must sing - wether it's choir or lead - I can give the same average good performance. And that's what I feel. No one said that, but if I'm good enough for myself - well, that's the most I can achieve because I'm hard on myself... And I'm practicing not to...
And today:
thoughts in the last few days -
I received an e-mail from Jóska, from the Essence Seminar, where he wrote down everything we said during the seminar about ourselves and others. And it amazes me how much truth there is in that whatever you say about anyone else you say it about yourself... Because you only recognize things that root in you, that is familiar from within.
And what most hit me was that others saw me as someone who does not let herself live. And I told that to more persons. Because this is what I see clearly about others because it is so-so familiar.
And right these days I can feel it so clearly that I don't let myself LIVE!
And I so much want to LIVE!
To live that life that I wish to live.
But I can't because I hold back so much.
Because I don't believe in myself.
Because I don't listen to that silent wise voice inside of me what is called intuition... - because I question it: oh, you! How could you? You're not good enough for that...
Because I don't dare to be an adult woman.
Because I don't dare to be totally honest. Because before I would tell what's on my mind, I just examine if it is from the heart - and why? Because of others. Because I don't want to hurt anybody.
But in the end it's also for me, because whatever we do onto others we do that onto ourselves.
If I hurt someone - I hurt myself.
If I hate someone - I hate that part in me.
If I love someone - I love myself. And vice-versa. If I love myself - I love others. That's law.
And I was thinking, still sometimes in English I'm so much more free in expressing my truth.
And also I thought these days that it is only, only me who can heal me. There's nothing else "out there". I must have the power. It is me who has to find out the solution.
And I asked myself a question today: So how do I know what is the solution? Can I help myself with the power of mind and will? And my answer was: It is the heart that heals. It's a very slight voice, that I can barely hear, and that's why I can't be very sure about this, but maybe now it is time to listen to intuition: that I can heal myself only through connecting with the heart and rooting there and exist out from there.
And sometimes I feel so scared, just by sitting alone and feeling cold.
Feeling that there is no care from outside. And than I say to myself: I must be that one who cares about me. I must supply myself with everything good. I must be able to do that, to really be caring and loving to myself.
But than it comes again: I'm alone. And I can't wait anybody to do that for me. And it's scary.
And today I thought the first time in my life that
I can be and I must be happy in any other ways...
Not in that way how I searched to be.
Not in the filed of romance-relationship-man-woman-love.
I am so good at loving people generally.
So maybe that is what I must do and never ever again seek to be safe and free and happy inside of a relationship.
And I can feel so happy for myself, for singing, for listening to music, for playing with all the other guys, for loving someones' jokes, for just being with people.
But underneath all these happy, loving moments it feels like something is finally broken.
It feels like this sadness is so big, so dumb, so silent, and so great like a mountain or rather an ocean. It is a thin but very strong layer somewhere deep inside...
And maybe first time in my life it is NOT because of what my father did. It has noting to do with that.
I was shouting and screaming for that. I was sad, miserable, powerless and empty at that place. I was angry for that. And than I forgave. Now I really don't care anymore.
That is an old wound now, and it will always stay a scar, but I will lead my life from now on.
And I know that I can always be a better lover. I know that still I couldn't love the way how I think it must be done. But I know I did my best.
And with all that
sadness is always there.
I'm not alligned with it. As I said I live my life, I'm happy most of the time, and strong.
But it's there deep inside...
And also I figured, that there's a part in me that sais I don't know who I am and which way to go but nowdays I can really feel the other part that knows exactly what would be so-so good to do, to be and to have.
For example this band I mentioned.
Goodbye.
I love you from the deepest of my heart.
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