Lønstrup reminds me of Sweden.
The stay in Lønstrup reminds me of the stay in Sweden.
My room in Lønstrup reminds me of my room in Sweden.
How people treat me in Lønstrup reminds me of how I was treated in Sweden. The only difference is that it’s even better now.
It has a little aftertaste like the stay in Sweden: lonely, silent, relaxing, healing, thinking, writing. (And on the photo it's me and my room in
And again I’m so grateful for being allowed to be here. To be treated like that. And to know people like these people.
It just reminds me how loved I am, and how lucky and mostly how rich I am. I have all the abundance of the world around me literally without any money.
I eat the best food. I’m treated like a princess. I’m even called Lille Princess here... I have a nice room, my „own” room. And I’m payed almost like a princess for doing nothing, just sitting and standing silently – for my help: I help people to be better in what they love to do wich is painting and drawing. Without me they couldn’t practice.
And I have two new job offers – same doing nothing for money. Both are about helping. One is modelling and the other one is to maintain a gallery for some weekends. And well, I always wanted to work in a gallery. And also I always wanted to be a model. Not right like this, but it is how it is.
And it’s all so easy to pass... It can pass very immediately. Like all things in the „outside” world.
And I just wonder, how is it possibel that in the outside everything looks so fine so beautiful so delightful, but in the inside it is rotten.
In the inside there’s so much pain of separation... In the inside there’s so much sadness... Have You ever lost the love of your life? Yes? So you know what I feel. No? Than I don’t even try to explain. (It may sound like a label, a box where I put him, but it’s not. It is just how I experienced him and myself – a very different way. I have never loved someone like I do love him.)
Maybe I must feel what I feel. Maybe it is a station I have to stop.
I just so did not wanted right him to be that blockage in me. That something that guards me, that will harden my heart, that will protect me from so many bad things. Why right him? Why? How can I not love anyone else? Even if I know exactly how very loveable people really are. Even if I can see so much beauty in all men.
It’s been one month already, and I’m still crying. I’m dying missing him.
And if I die I can be reborn.
But now inside I am in no-mans’land. I am not myself.
How long time will it take to be back to myself? Or a new self.
And I’m learning how to let it go.
Good in all bad is that during this long dark night of my soul I still love myself. That’s big. And I can appreciate good things in life and I can be grateful for them...
...with a sorrow filled heart...
...with a loving heart... I just experienced how much I really love him...
I am with you all the time.
I am here for you always.
And I love you eternally.
***
And here’s my prayer.
Dear God,
If there is existing something like a god,
Please help me to let go. I humbly ask for the Best for me and all human kind. I ask for helping us finding our own ways to freedom and love. I ask you to let the abundance and contentment and bliss of the universe come to me. I ask you for the Best for that man, Kristof, I loved so much from my human, woman and eternal heart. I humbly give thanks to you for blessing this relationship. It has been and still is the most beautiful thing I ever experienced. I’m giving thanks for our connection wich has been so great and so strong and so gentle. I’m giving thanks for that I can experience this love I’m experiencing with him. For that I do love him so much that if somone or something else makes him happy, or makes his life more whole, than I humbly ask you to give it to him.
And finally I humbly ask you to help me find my freedom in being a normal human being. With all the best human features...
Goodbye.
I love you.
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