I wanna go to hike with you

„I wanna go to hike with You.”

And look my selftalk:

- Nono. You do not want to go to hike with Him. You just want to go with someone who you believe loves you and you believe you love him as well, and also you have the beliefe about him, that he is a real Fasza Csávó. And if there would be at east one accesible person to whom you could project the picture of Real Fasza Csávó, you would be utterly happy nontheless he was not loving you at all.

- Oh, yes. Sadface. I was abused.

- So what? At least now you know that you can be abused to that extent to which you abused yourself. You are treated how you treat yourself because that’s how you allow others to treat you. In other words: no one can harm you more than you harm yourself. Because as much you harm yourself, you get used to that and you allow others to harm you just as much.

- Oh yes. Sadface. Look how ridiculous it all looked: He came back saying: Oh, you are so pretty. I wanna fuck you. Do you want to abuse yourself a little more with me? And I went: Well, I know I shouldn’t, but yes. Of course. Because I want to fuck you too. And you can harm me so much in the very same way how I do it to myself – you are a true match. Let’s do it! It’s comfortable. Seven months are gone until I got to see waht the fuck really was happenin’. What happened in the inside. God I was so high on life, or somethin’ like that, that I didn’t realized what was goin’on! So now with I think more clean brains I can see what was happening. Ha-ha. That time I thought I was clean too. But I never can be. ’cos I am human. Who knows what distorts my vision of reality this time! Maybe I see more clearly now. Maybe not.

- And if someone harms you more than you harm yourself, you run away from that person. Very fast. And He’s intreresting because maybe He harms you a little less than you harm yourself, and you think it’s love. Well, not exactly. It is indeed a form of love, as everything in this world is a form of love ( or attraction, constituting energy, whatever you wanna call it), even hatred is a form of that. But it’s not the love that all of us deserve. Not that Real Love. But that Real Love is in you and you don’t need to receive it from anywhere else than You. But let me tell you somethin’. It doesn’t matter at all what was in the past. As it aint IS any more. Yeah it’s good to come to the considerations, to clearly see the lessons you have learned. And it is not more important than that. As the past is over, you only have power in the Now. And so, there is no need to point a finger to your old self or anyone. People make mistakes. If you could’ve done better that time, if you would’ve had all the experience that you have now, your knowledge would’ve served you better, but you did not have all the experiences that time. So your knowledge couldn’t be activ. How could you knew? It is not your fault or anybody’s fault. It is how it is. And at this point we must acknowledge that we are great teachers and students for each other. He is a great teacher. He taught you very important lessons of love. He maybe not understanding you in that – but he did teach you important lessons of love – and what people don’t understand – well, we know... So the most you can say to Him, is a big Thank You.

- Thank you, I’m finished, you may go.

- Wai-wai-wait. It’s not your decision.

- Shite. Okay. So the leftover is: the problem itself. Tha problem I am pointed to. Okay one more lesson learned. And what happens? So we have an injury, a wound arises on our mind and it can become very deep, very painful – but it connects us to our core Being. The road to the Real Essence of us leads through the wound. Maybe that is the reason why we are played the same lesson again and again. (And I don’t fit in his world because I love him.) And one wound may contain several different lessons. And we can’t go ahead until we don’t learn all of the lessons. But what happens to the personality. It is like a split unfinished. The split happens if the pain is too big. Or the personality is too weak yet at the time of the wound arising.

Thanks for sharing.

Goodbye.

I love you.

I really do.