(He said, "I don't wanna lose you" and "I can't imagine myself in a relationship". Contradiction. No sense at all. You can't put me on a shelf.
But hey, congratulations, you walked all over me! With your constant contradictions. Talented.
Well, motherfucker, you shoulda' said that before you fucked me. Before you cared about me. Before you said you loved me. Before I asked you a thousand times what the fuck you want. You shoulda said that instead of behaving as if you wanted a relationship, you liar, you fucked up motherfucker. You lied with no words. You lied with your behaviour. You knew what I went through. You knew exactly what I was. You knew WHY I reacted the way I did. Because you said "I don't know" and "I'm afraid of this". And FROM THAT I was afraid. And you knew I was sick of males who do not take responsibility. Who are afraid. That's your negative shit I'm talking about. What the hell were you thinkin'? All I wanted with you was good and not to hurt you or take your freedom away. I connected to you the way I did because you showed me a picture of yourself as an open, potential, caring man. All I wanted was love. And you know that.
You suck.
And it is a fucking lie that I changed when you left. It's a fucking lie but glad you believe it.
And I - I fuck as well. Fuck me, I'm a stupid, idiotic bitch, that I believed all your bullshit and explanations. I let you hurt me. And I behaved not according to what I wanted as well. I wanted to love but I projected fear when you mentioned your fear. I thought it is gonna be different, because I felt you truly cared. I felt true soul connection. But you care only until I don't speak my truth. You care only until you think there's no responsibility. But you became responsible once and for all for what you tamed one time, as the Little Prince said. And you know that too.
And facts are facts. You said what you said. You behaved how you behaved. And it sucks. It is the worst of the worst. And I shoulda known too - I saw it in your eyes... They were frightening cold but I thought I can love anyone....But you really suck. I hope you be happy with nothing in your heart.
Fuck you motherfuckin son of a bitch, you shitface bastard.)
I am in pain.
Love needs an object.
Just a little one to start the flow again.
But I am in pain now, no object now.
I hate each men.
All of them.
Except my few male-friends.
(How strange is the world...friends we can call "mine" but lovers we shouldn't....)
I can't go back to where I was.
I can't trust.
I can't hope.
I can't take any more hurt.
And I hurt myself to death
without men...
What did I do to earn this loonatic nightmare where a guy giving me the last drop of the poison hurt me to death and banned me out of the world so that I fell down into the hell of pain, fear, despair and non-stopping hatred?
How can I make this right?
How can I get back to the light?
How can I get back to heaven?
And who was he?
Why did he do that?
Why did I let him do that to me?
Why he created separation when I wanted to create connection? Why he had to kill connection? Why he ruined it in the beginning when I expressed connection? That is why I feel furious....
Maybe I'm not right.
But I'm hurt.
God help us.
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